What the cock is that shit? #1

Welcome to the first instalment in what promises to be a one-instalment series of poorly thought out blog posts that I’ve perhaps foolishly called ‘What the cock is that shit?’.

“What the cock is that ‘What the cock is that shit?’ shit?” you cry with your bewildered idiot’s mouths. It is this shit, I reply. This shit right here. This shit that you’re reading in the absence of anything better to do.

‘What the cock is this shit?’ is a segment of this thriving internetsblog in which your intrepid correspondent (me) finds a thing that inspires curiosity, wonder or arousal and which I will probe thoroughly in order that we might further our collective understanding of the world. So what are we waiting for? Let’s throw ourselves headlong into the cocky, cocky shit…
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Meetings in the park

The guys come together once again to discuss all the happenings during the WWDC keynote and all the creamy goodness of iOS7


Show notes for iOS 022

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One from the archives…

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What the deuce?

For no good reason other than to inconvenience my one remaining reader I have uprooted this blog and recklessly discarded it at blog.interfunt.com. This is the most exciting thing that will happen here for some time.


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This week the guys discuss… well nothing according to Tim Cook.  We also chat about iMessage’s self censorship and the iBeetle!

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The only brand I trust most is Greggs

This week the guys cover iOS7, possible watches, fingerprint technology and MS Office for iOS.

Also all the usual features such as Crapplications, Picks and a look at other mobile providers.

Show notes for iOS 020

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Paul Wheatley: Disappointed with the hardware

We are back after (another) short break to discuss the transforming iPhone 5S, the Samsung Galaxy S4 Launch event, Blackberry actually selling phones, we answer your questions in the Trouble Gusset and of course we round off the show with a round of picks!

Remember if you want your question answered in the Trouble Gusset simply email BritishTechNews@gmail.com or tweet any one of us @paulwheatley, @rodti, @streakmachine or @maniacyak

Show notes for iOS019

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Modern method for you!

I’ve just received the most extraordinary email.

Subject: Hi, I think you’d be interested what is new! modern method for you! You are not frustrated total
Date: 15-03-2013 16:48
From: “Mike Westgarth”

Now I’m always interested in what is new and I’m no stranger to modern methods, so I can see how I might be frustrated total if I didn’t listen to what “Mike Westgarth” has to say.

Good day! I just read a cool way to be cool in bed! But do not write to anyone about this method to anyone

A cool way to be cool in bed?  The mind boggles.  It must somehow combine an edgy fashion sense with a practical and efficacious method of reducing one’s core temperature when retiring for the evening.  

Perhaps an Oriental fan with a Skrillex motif?  

An air conditioning unit that plays One Direction songs?

Ice cubes in the shape of The Fonz?

I like that “Mike Westgarth” is so enthused about this exciting modern method that he’s specifically forbidden me from writing to anyone about this method to anyone.  And there I was about to dash off a missive to my Auntie Ethel.  

You know, this principle is used sex stars!

Fuck no!  Really?  “Mike Westgarth” now you are making a fuck of me!  Hilarity of fun!  Your talk is strange of broken!

Seriously Mike.  Stop it.

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I’ll scoop you out the river like a tasty salmon

In this romantic edition of the iOS show the chaps cover the iWatch, iPhone 5S and 6 rumours. The Craplications, Picks, Tips  and we try and answer is Samsung stealing Apples cool?

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Mr Anderson’s similes

Brett Anderson dreaming up some similes, outside. As the majority of Suede fans know all too well, Suede have only ever made three good albums: their eponymous debut, Dog Man Star, and Coming Up. Despite the evolution in themes across these albums, from squalid suburban romance, through an epic Orwellian dystopia and finally into an ether-fuelled euphoria, Brett Anderson’s songwriting maintained a consistently high quality.  Unfortunately after those three albums his creative well must truly have run dry, as demonstrated by some of the horrors lurking in 1999’s Head Music.  Some examples:

From the chorus of title track ‘Head Music’:

So give me head, give me head, give me head music instead, You know oh is it all in the mind?

To the even more risible ‘Elephant Man’:

I am, I am the elephant man It is incredible how I can look just like just like an elephant man, just like, just like my elephant fans

Jesus fucking Christ.

They managed to churn out another album so poorly received that I didn’t even bother to listen to it before the band finally imploded in 2003.  Since then Brett has kept himself occupied churning out several solo efforts, an admirable collaboration with Bernard Butler and strutting about looking like a sexy triangle, and now in 2013 Suede are back together and have been busy in the studio.

In the light of their reappearance I’d like to delve into what I think might have been a key part of their downfall, Brett’s growing dependence on fucking similes, and whether this has doomed the future of Suede forever (cue dramatic music).
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